So it's time for me to write something real.
This past weekend was Miguel's Confirmation, which really got me thinking back to my own confirmation, which was almost 5 whole years ago. It seems pretty unbelievable.
As I wrote to Miguel, I reflected on the past 5 years, and how they have been a great journey of discovery to get me to this point, when finally, I am secure in my faith, and I believe, a full participant in the Church community.
(With an humble heart I can admit here that I avoided that sacred sacrament of reconciliation for the past 5 years, until this year when, in the middle of the Holy Week, I managed to find the courage and the grace to take me to the confessional and come back to a reconciled relationship with God. How blessed am I that I have met especially through the past year, so many people who are on fire with their faith, who experience God in their lives daily, who centre their lives and relationships around God. It was these wonderful people that inspired me to search my soul and come back fully to God. And how hypocritical I felt to have people think I was a good Catholic when for so long when there was this dark shadow over my heart as I feared the love that is expressed in that amazing Sacrament. That hymn I would sing as a child in Goa now echoes in my ears "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back" Having encountered God so fully in the sacrament of reconciliation --to the point that I wept through the confession and penance for I felt so lucky to be forgiven--I know there is no turning back, and that I will make sure to water the spiritual garden, that it may bloom well!)
I still struggle everyday, because I am not very courageous -- I dont feel I have the courage to speak up and speak out. So often I am willing to just smile and let things slide, even when they go so contrary to what I believe in -- for fear of offending others; for fear of spoiling a relationship; for fear of having people think badly of me; for fear that my words will misrepresent my faith. Fear. Fear. Fear.
Notice only one of the fears is directly related to the faith. All the rest are selfish fears. For I know in my heart that no true friend should be offended by me being outspoken about my beliefs, just as I cannot be offensive when defending my beliefs. And aren't we most blessed when others revile us and think badly of us for our faith? But oh how hard it is to live like that! How much we want to be liked. I pray that I have the strength to speak the truth that I know.
So this is what I said to Miguel in his gift/letter (the gist of it)...
I said to Miguel, "I'm going to tell you things I wished people had told me when I had gotten confirmed" (I wish I had known more at my confirmation, I wish that I had realized how big a deal it was...I can't blame anyone else, my lack of strength in faith is my own fault)
So I baked Miguel brownies. and included 14 pieces of brownies in a little box that was attached to my card/letter.
And what does 14 mean?
This thanks to my little Compendium of the Cathecism of the Catholic Church (thanks WYD08!)
14 = 7 x 2 or 14 = 12 + 2

2: The two commandments of Love:
1. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.
2. You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
7: The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit
1. Wisdom
2. Understanding
3. Counsel
4. Fortitude
5. Knowledge
6. Piety
7. Fear of the Lord
12: the twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit
1. Charity
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Generosity
8. Gentleness
9. Faithfulness
10. Modesty
11. Self-control
12. Chastity

So as a confirmed Catholic, I wished Miguel that his life be ever grounded in the 2 commandments of love, that he may gain the 7 gifts and manifest the 12 fruits.

But the brownies were still useful for a bigger story.
Brownies start out from humble ingredients: flour, sugar, cocoa, eggs, butter, milk and baking powder
and you wouldn't want to eat those ingredients by themselves now would you? (eeew to eating flour out of the bag...or raw eggs bleagh..and y'all know how I hate to drink milk) but what happens once all those ingredients are taken and mixed together? you get a delicious batter. the ingredients are not the same, because they have changed and become the batter. and the batter tastes pretty good. It even has the baking powder in it to make it rise just a little. but you know what? it's raw. (and my mum tells me that eating raw eggs will kill me) and you cannot just leave the batter as a batter (even though some people are content to just eat the batter) that batter started out with a purpose, and it's only when it goes into the fire of the oven that the baking soda is allowed to act fully, and it goes from raw batter to fully formed brownies!
Ok ok...so what does brownie batter have to do with confirmation? EVERYTHING! (free your mind and follow me here...) When you are baptized, you get all stirred up and changed. and you have th Holy Spirit in you (baking powder) that can help you rise a little over time. But it's when you get into the fire of the oven (confirmation) that the baking powder gets to work its magic, and you RISE! Confirmation takes a catholic from raw to help him/her fulfill his/her purpose! :)
(see i told you this was leading somewhere good!)
[and then i told miguel "from one brownie to another, I pray you rise in Christ on this your confirmation" -- haha get it? because we are 'brown'?]
So that was Miguel's confirmation gift from me! (I also included prayers by/to his patron saints, Gabriel (angel) and Ignatius (of Loyola).

we all took the train down to the city and walked AGES to the church (in high heels for me...bad call) and went to Mass...and then went out to dinner and had tons of screaming/laughing fun.

But about that Mass. it was pretty amazing. This weekend was Divine Mercy Sunday, and also the Sunday where we remember St Thomas' doubts....and I really loved what the Bishop said in his homily. Key things that I took away from my own meditation on the reading, and the Bishop's homily:
1. God (Jesus) wishes us PEACE. That simple yet powerful greeting that we must pass on to others
2. There was reference to the beauty/validity of the confessional! (those who's sins you loose, they are loosed, those who's sins you bind, they are bound)
3. No closed door can keep Jesus out. not even the closed door to our heart! (This was what the Bishop said that almost moved me to tears in the church!) How true this is! What good news it is! And as Matt Maher wrote in his song, "I'll leave a light on for you my Lord!" How I hope that I can also leave the door open!
4. Jesus helps us in whatever way we need even in our times of doubt. He knew what Thomas needed to believe. And he knows when we falter. Pray that we may be willing to see the signs and shout "My Lord and My God!"

Oh golly...I've gone on for a while. Hope I haven't turned you (the reader) off with my religiosity. This is my first step in becoming more courageous about my beliefs.I pray that someday soon I'll have the courage to defend myself in a face to face dicussion.

<3 Jo